


uhhh sanders sides texting au

by Winterrs_child



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit Sanders - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Human AU, Logan Sanders - Freeform, M/M, Neglect, No Smut, Patton Sanders - Freeform, Platonic Logicality - Freeform, Platonic Relationships, Remus Sanders - Freeform, Roman Sanders - Freeform, The duke - Freeform, Virgil Sanders - Freeform, analogical - Freeform, and depression, idk how to tag, it gets kinda dark at one point, like it scans about two months and patton is twelve at the beginning and fourteen where i am, maybe drugs???? i dunno, mentions of abuse, obviously, oh yeah also patton is young, platonic anxceit - Freeform, please don't hesitate to tell me if i've missed something, romantic relationships, texting au, uh it is VERY inconsistent, uhhh virgil has anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:22:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22729078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterrs_child/pseuds/Winterrs_child
Summary: dumb boys being dumb
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	uhhh sanders sides texting au

**Author's Note:**

> uh i don't know how this happened but it did so  
> also it is not edited at all but enjoy

[ Group chat: Virgil, Logan, Patton, Roman ]

(12:14 AM) Patton: Hey guys, do you want to meet up under the bleachers?

(12:26 AM) Virgil: like right now or

(12:26 AM) Patton: Oh no, did I wake you up?

(12:26 AM) Virgil: nah i just didn’t think you’d be awake  
(12:26 AM) Virgil: also don’t you think they would call the police on us

(12:27 AM) Patton: Depends

(12:27 AM) Virgil: …  
(12:27 AM) Virgil: yeah i’m down  
(12:27 AM) Virgil: what about @Logan and @Roman

(12:28 AM) Roman: i was trying to ignore the chat  
(12:28 AM) Roman: but yeah, ill be there.

(12:29 AM) Patton: Do you think Logan is awake, yet?

(12:29 AM) Virgil: you say that as if logan actually sleeps  
(12:29 AM) Virgil: yo lo wanna meet us

(12:29 AM) Logan: but i need to get this work done  
(12:30 AM) Logan: so i can’t

(12:30 AM) Virgil: nonsense  
(12:30 AM) Virgil: you gotta let loose sometimes  
(12:30 AM) Virgil: i’m comin to get you so get ready babey  
(12:30 AM) Virgil: we gon have funnnn

(12:30 AM) Logan: ...i have no choice do i

(12:31 AM) Virgil: not if you want to live :/

(12:31 AM) Patton: What?

(12:31 AM) Roman: v, youre scaring the child

(12:31 AM) Patton: I’M NOT A CHILD I’M A TEEN THANK YOU VERY MUCH

(12:31 AM) Roman: lil bb boy child kiddie young’n innocent mind  
(12:32 AM) Roman: poppin my shoes on and then im oN MY WAY

(12:32 AM) Patton: I’ll text you once I’m out my window and there! :D

(12:32 AM) Virgil: HECKIN HECK PAT STAY THERE I’M GRABBING MY CAR  
(12:32 AM) Virgil: DON’T RUN ALL THE WAY THERE YOU’LL HURT YOURSELF

(12:32 AM) Logan: who would’ve thought virgil of all people was a mother hen

(12:33 AM) Virgil: careful, lo, i’m the only one with a car  
(12:33 AM) Virgil: beep beep idiot i’m here

(12:35 AM) Logan: i’m safely in v’s car  
(12:35 AM) Logan: we’re comin to you, pat, and then ro  
(12:35 AM) Logan: pat?

(12:36 AM) Patton: This is Patton’s mom. Would you boys care to explain why he was climbing out of his window at midnight?

(12:37 AM) Roman: oh, hello, mrs. doftin!  
(12:37 AM) Roman: don’t fret, patton was merely going to spend some time with us!  
(12:37 AM) Roman: virgil diablo is completely capable of taking care of him!

(12:38 AM) Virgil: Hi, Patton’s mum! Yeah, I was coming over to pick him up because Logan was overworking himself ~ again ~ and we were going to meet up at the park to hang out and let off stress!

(12:38 AM) Patton: And how old are you, Mr. Diablo?

(12:39 AM) Virgil: I’m twenty four.  
(12:39 AM) Virgil: These boys have become my friends, as I was adopted into a home where I am an only child, and haven’t had many chances to talk to others.  
(12:39 AM) Virgil: Your son, Patton, is very kind and I’m very thankful that they allowed me to accompany them when I had no other friends.

(12:40 AM) Patton: In that case, Patton can go with you, but only because it’s not a school night, do you boys understand?

(12:40 AM) Virgil: Yes, ma’am.  
(12:40 AM) Virgil: And I promise I’ll have him back before seven!

(12:40 AM) Patton: I got my phone back!  
(12:40 AM) Patton: Virgil, how’d you win her over that fast?

(12:41 AM) Virgil: i dunno i guess i just have a way with parents  
(12:41 AM) Virgil: but it’s probably because i’m only like ten years younger than her  
(12:41 AM) Virgil: i think y’all forget that i’ve legally been an adult for six years  
(12:41 AM) Virgil: that’s half as long as patton’s been alive lol

(12:41 AM) Roman: wow  
(12:41 AM) Roman: that makes me feel weird  
(12:41 AM) Roman: anyway are you picking me up or no  
(12:42 AM) Roman: OHMYGOSH WHAT IF PATTONS MOM HAS A CRUSH ON VIRgIL

(12:42 AM) Virgil: WHAT NO EW

(12:42 AM) Patton: BUT VIRGIL THEN YOU COULD BE MY STEP DAD

(12:42 AM) Virgil: PATTON, GET IN THE CAR WE’RE GONNA HAVE A TALK

(12:42 AM) Logan: … virgil please don’t hate me  
(12:43 AM) Logan: but that was spoken like a true father

(12:43 AM) Virgil: LOGAN GET OUT OF MY CAR

(12:43 AM) Logan: :’(  
(12:43 AM) Logan: but then i can’t come with you guys.  
(12:43 AM) Logan: oh and by the way, roman, we’re coming to get you

(12:43 AM) Roman: im already halfway there but go for it ig

(12:44 AM) Virgil: then i guess we’re not coming for you

(12:44 AM) Roman: >:(

(12:44 AM) Virgil: >:)

(12:44 AM) Logan: oh look, we’re here

* * * *

Logan has changed Virgil to exotic rattlesnake dealer -

* * * *

(6:57 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: goodnight, lads  
(6:57 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: whO DID THIS

(6:58 AM) Logan: lol  
(6:58 AM) Logan: me

(6:58 AM) Virgil: I NEVER SAID I ACTUALLY SMUGGLED THEM  
(6:58 AM) Virgil: I CAUGHT MYSELF BEFORE GETTING ON THE PLANE

(6:58 AM) Roman: you mean they bit you before you got on the plane  
(6:59 AM) Roman: you showed us the scars they left  
(6:59 AM) Roman: lol like nipples on ur arm

(7:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i tried to ignore this, i really did  
(7:04 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: but it hurts me and i feel like i need to personally address it  
(7:04 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: they do look like nipples and it’s scary

(7:04 AM) Roman: why ignore it when you can EMBRACCCEEEE IT

(7:05 AM) Logan: tired roman is exactly like drunk roman  
(7:05 AM) Logan: i mean, probable  
(7:05 AM) Logan: roman’s never been drunk, he’s sixteen  
(7:05 AM) Logan: what i’m TRYING to say is  
(7:06 AM) Logan: get some sleep, you bumbling piece of idiot pie

(7:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: and sleep deprived lo is a mess  
(7:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: patton just goes to sleep when he’s tired  
(7:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: like right now, he’s zonked in the back of my car  
(7:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: that was fun though

* * * *

Private Chat: Virgil and Logan -

(7:08 AM) Logan: hey virgil?

(7:08 AM) Virgil: yeah, lo?

(7:09 AM) Logan: do you think i could come over and pass the time?  
(7:09 AM) Logan: things are… less than ideal at my place.

(7:10 AM) Virgil: yeah, of course  
(7:10 AM) Virgil: are you alright?  
(7:10 AM) Virgil: she didn’t hurt you, did she?

(7:10 AM) Logan: just please come and get me, virgil.  
(7:10 AM) Logan: i don’t want to wake them up.

(7:11 AM) Virgil: hold tight, lo, i’m on my way  
(7:11 AM) Virgil: we’ll talk in the car.

(9:38 AM) Virgil: hey lolo do you want to move in with me

(9:38 AM) Logan: … i mean yeah  
(9:38 AM) Logan: you serious?

(9:39 AM) Virgil: the real reason i left you at home to run errands was because i was buying you clothes  
(9:39 AM) Virgil: and other stuff  
(9:39 AM) Virgil: so thank goodness you said yes

(9:42 AM) Logan: v, i’m crying  
(9:42 AM) Logan: how are you so threatening and soft at the same time

(9:43 AM) Virgil: mmm probably magic

(9:43 AM) Logan: so anyway when will you get back

(9:44 AM) Virgil: i’m on my way with a carful of things i think you might like  
(9:44 AM) Virgil: lotsa space themed things, nerd stuff, blue  
(9:44 AM) Virgil: that’s basically your whole entire aesthetic

(9:44 AM) Logan: that *is* my whole entire aesthetic  
(9:45 AM) Logan: thank you, by the way  
(9:45 AM) Logan: i’m real bad at using emotions

(9:46 AM) Virgil: mmm same, boyo  
(9:46 AM) Virgil: i mean man  
(9:46 AM) Virgil: you’re a man  
(9:46 AM) Virgil: you’re a big, strong man

(9:47 AM) Logan: hey i’m what? three years younger than you? so shut up  
(9:47 AM) Logan: hey wait viRGIL ARE YOU TEXTING AND DRIVING

(9:49 AM) Virgil: no  
(9:49 AM) Virgil: i pulled in like five minutes ago

(9:49 AM) Logan: mmmm i’m gonna hug you and you can’t do anything about it

Private Chat: Virgil and Denny -

(9:52 AM) Virgil: deNNY  
(9:52 AM) Virgil: DENNY I NEED YOUR HELP  
(9:52 AM) Virgil: DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

(9:53 AM) Denny: no  
(9:53 AM) Denny: suffer in silence  
(9:53 AM) Denny: don’t bother me with your stupid problems, peasant  
(9:54 AM) Denny: but what do you need

(9:54 AM) Virgil: DENNY  
(9:55 AM) Virgil: I’M SO GAY  
(9:55 AM) Virgil: LOGAN GIVES THE BEST HUGS

(9:55 AM) Denny: so you’re gay for logan

(9:55 AM) Virgil: yES  
(9:55 AM) Virgil: HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED AT HIS EYES

(9:55 AM) Denny: no not really  
(9:55 AM) Denny: you should ask him out  
(9:55 AM) Denny: you’d be such a cute couple

(9:56 AM) Virgil: NOOOOOOOOO

Group Chat: Patton, Roman, Logan -

(9:50 AM) Logan: YOU GUYS I JUST HUGGED VIRGIL AND LSKDJFLKGHKJ  
(9:51 AM) Logan: I’M SO GAY

Roman has changed Logan to diaster gay -

(9:52 AM) disaster gay: I’D GET MAD IF IT WASN”T SO GOSHDANG ACCURATE  
(9:52 AM) disaster gay: you guys i live with him now HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GO ON

(9:55 AM) Roman: hold up u live w him?

(9:55 AM) disaster gay: yeah  
(9:55 AM) disaster gay: holy heck i live with him  
(9:55 AM) disaster gay: hooooooooly heckin heckin heck he's my roommate  
(9:56 AM) disaster gay: alksdfjhlkajsdfhkasldhf HE’S MY ROOMMATE

(9:56 AM) Roman: aNd tHEy weRe RoOmmATeS

(9:57 AM) Patton: oh my gosh they were roommates

(9:57 AM) disaster gay: shUT UP THIS IS A REAL PROBLEM

Group Chat: exotic rattlesnake dealer, Logan, Patton, Roman -

(Denny has added Denny to the group)

(10:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: what the heck -  
(10:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: how the heck did you do that

(10:04 AM) Denny: HACKS

(10:04 AM) Patton: Yay! New friends!

(10:05 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: get out of here

(10:05 AM) Denny: ouch  
(10:05 AM) Denny: if you remove me i’ll just come back, you know

(10:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: then i’ll block you

(10:06 AM) Denny: you’ve had me blocked for the past year and i still text you  
(10:06 AM) Denny: i’m too powerful for your mortal brain to comprehend.  
(10:06 AM) Denny: anywho i didn’t come here to chit-chat

(10:06 AM) Logan: that’s… what we do on this.

(10:06 AM) Denny: logan! just the man i wanted to see ~  
(10:06 AM) Denny: i do believe, after reading the messages on both this chat thing, and all of v’s private messages, that he hasn’t texted you, logan, after inviting you to stay at his house?

(10:07 AM) Logan: …  
(10:07 AM) Logan: is this an interrogation?  
(10:07 AM) Logan: but yeah, v and i can have physical conversations since we’re in the same house - 

(10:07 AM) Denny: ah, of course.  
(10:07 AM) Denny: has he said anything… pertaining feelings?

(10:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: no, i haven’t, d.  
(10:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i know what you’re getting at. cut the dramatics and say it.

(10:08 AM) Denny: …you sure?  
(10:08 AM) Denny: i wasn’t going to actually say anything.

(10:08 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: go for it. if it ruins what we have, it’s ruined, i suppose.  
(10:08 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: lo deserves to know the whole truth.

(10:08 AM) Denny: k  
(10:09 AM) Denny: hey logan virgil’s been in love with you for like a year lol

(10:09 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: loooooool jokes on you, i actually spoke about gross emotions and logan and i are together ~  
(10:09 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: you were fooled  
(10:09 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: by face to face conversations

(10:09 AM) Denny: you beat me  
(10:09 AM) Denny: huh  
(10:10 AM) Denny: that’s a first

(10:10 AM) Logan: v and i are on the couch laughing at you

(10:10 AM) Denny: k bye

(Uh oh! Denny has kicked Denny from the chat!)

CHAPTER TWO

Private Chat: Logan and Virgil -

(1:55 PM) Logan: v you shouldn't have left me home alone.

(1:55 PM) Virgil: ...i'm afraid to ask  
(1:55 PM) Virgil: what did you do

(1:56 PM) Logan: i may have spontaneously dyed my hair blue with some old dye i found in your closet

(1:56 PM) Virgil: kfjfkkgjs that's awesome  
(1:57 PM) Virgil: think you could do mine?

(1:57 PM) Logan: wow  
(1:57 PM) Logan: out of everything you could have said, i did not expect that  
(1:57 PM) Logan: but sure, i guess  
(1:57 PM) Logan: do you have a color in mind or

(1:57 PM) Virgil: there's like a purple in my closet  
(1:58 PM) Virgil: it was next to the blue

(1:58 PM) Logan: huh

(1:58 PM) Virgil: ...what?  
(1:59 PM) Virgil: what are you going to say about me

(1:59 PM) Logan: i just didn't peg you as a purp man  
(1:59 PM) Logan: hah  
(1:59 PM) Logan: "purp man"  
(1:59 PM) Logan: i crack myself up

(2:00 PM) Virgil: logan, babe, i think you need to sleep

(2:00 PM) Logan: SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK  
(2:00 PM) Logan: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

(2:00 PM) Virgil: … will you sleep if we cuddle on the couch?

(2:00 PM) Logan: only if you sleep too

(2:01 PM) Virgil: oh thank goodness  
(2:01 PM) Virgil: i can’t wait to see your hair

(2:01 PM) Logan: oh yeah i forgot about that  
(2:01 PM) Logan: it looks pretty  
(2:01 PM) Logan: *finger guns*  
(2:01 PM) Logan: snazzy

(2:01 PM) Virgil: that’s it i’m on my way home  
(2:01 PM) Virgil: we gon have a CUDDLE PARTY

(2:01 PM) Logan: YAY  
(2:01 PM) Logan: I’M GONNA TELL THE BOYS

(2:02 PM) Virgil: what boys  
(2:03 PM) Virgil: logan what boys  
(2:03 PM) Virgil: what boys?!

Group Chat: exotic rattlesnake dealer, Logan, Patton, Roman -

(2:04 PM) Logan: hey y  
(2:04 PM) Logan: hey y’all  
(2:04 PM) Logan: v agreed to watch a movie with me  
(2:05 PM) Logan: he’s actually gonna sleep so  
(2:05 PM) Logan: you can thank me]  
(2:05 PM) Logan: k bye

Private Chat: Logan and Virgil -

(2:06 PM) Virgil: wh  
(2:06 PM) Virgil: why’d you do that  
(2:06 PM) Virgil: they’re both asleep

(2:06 PM) Logan: when do you get homemememememmeme

(2:07 PM) Virgil: soon  
(2:07 PM) Virgil: jus kidding i be home

(2:08 PM) Logan: YES  
(2:08 PM) Logan: quick question  
(2:08 PM) Logan: uh  
(2:08 PM) Logan: how do you relationship

(2:08 PM) Virgil: ha you assume i know  
(2:09 PM) Virgil: but in all honesty, i’m glad that i’m figuring it out with you

(2:09 PM) Logan: stop i feel gross things

(2:10 PM) Virgil: those are called emotions

(2:10 PM) Logan: i’ve been informed that they’re called emotions and they’re ew  
(2:10 PM) Logan: but does this mean that you’ve never dated anyone before

(2:10 PM) Virgil: i’ve dated people before but it never felt like a good thing  
(2:10 PM) Virgil: like a good  
(2:10 PM) Virgil: like

(2:10 PM) Logan: take your time

(2:11 PM) Virgil: it never felt right

(2:11 PM) Logan: kay but come in and cuddle with me now

(2:11 PM) Virgil: of course babey

Group Chat: exotic rattlesnake dealer, Logan, Patton, Roman -

(9:53 PM) Roman: hey patton??  
(9:53 PM) Roman: where r the boys?

(9:54 PM) Patton: Virgil and Logan are asleep!

(9:55 PM) Roman: OH THANK GOODNESS  
(9:55 PM) Roman: I THOUGHT VIRGIL NEVER SLEPT

(9:56 PM) Patton: Yeah, me neither.  
(9:56 PM) Patton: Apparently he does, though.

(9:56 PM) Roman: you know what ive gotten like two hours of sleep i should probably get some more

(9:57 PM) Patton: Goodnight, Roman!

Private Chat: Patton and Virgil -

(5:30 PM) Patton: VIRGIL!  
(5:30 PM) Patton: I SAW THE NEWS  
(5:31 PM) Patton: IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?!  
(5:31 PM) Patton: IS LOGAN OKAY>!?

(5:31 PM) Virgil: don’t know  
(5:32 PM) Virgil: they haven’t let me into his room yet

(5:32 PM) Patton: What happened?  
(5:32 PM) Patton: Do you know?

(5:32 PM) Virgil: yeah, i know  
(5:33 PM) Virgil: he got in an accident on the way home from class  
(5:33 PM) Virgil: it was a hit and run, so we don’t even know who did it  
(5:33 PM) Virgil: they’re looking into it and have gotten the license plate number, though it looks like the car was stolen.  
(5:34 PM) Virgil: i’m furious  
(5:34 PM) Virgil: hasn’t he been through enough? why does he have to go through this, too?!

(5:34 PM) Patton: Hey, I feel you.  
(5:35 PM) Patton: I would not hesitate to murder someone who hurt any of you.  
(5:35 PM) Patton: Are you alright?

(5:36 PM) Virgil: they let me in.  
(5:36 PM) Virgil: there’s so much blood.  
(5:36 PM) Virgil: he looks so small  
(5:37 PM) Virgil: roman’s coming as soon as he can, and denny is leaving now.  
(5:37 PM) Virgil: denny says he can pick you up if you’re allowed

(5:38 PM) Patton: Yes, I need to come.  
(5:38 PM) Patton: Tell Denny thanks from me.

(5:39 PM) Virgil: 801-689-0245  
(5:39 PM) Virgil: that’s his number  
(5:40 PM) Virgil: he’ll call you when he’s there.

Private Chat: Patton and Denny -

(5:41 PM) Patton: Virgil told me you could come pick me up?

(5:42 PM) Denny: yeah  
(5:42 PM) Denny: yeah! of course.  
(5:42 PM) Denny: how did he sound?

(5:43 PM) Patton: Not good.  
(5:43 PM) Patton: He seems very shaken.

(5:43 PM) Denny: he really does love that boy  
(5:43 PM) Denny: he called me in hysterics  
(5:43 PM) Denny: i’m really worried.  
(5:44 PM) Denny: i’m here

(5:44 PM) Patton: On my way out.

Private Chat: Remus and Roman -

(5:46 PM) Remus: hey

(5:47 PM) Remus: pops wants to know why you’ve missed your last class.

(5:48 PM) Roman: a friends in the hospital  
(5:48 PM) Roman: i need to go be w him

(5:48 PM) Remus: oh!  
(5:48 PM) Remus: denny texted me about a kid that got in an accident!  
(5:49 PM) Remus: would that be your friend?

(5:50 PM) Roman: u know denny?

(5:50 PM) Remus: know him? he’s my bestie!!  
(5:50 PM) Remus: he and virgil and i are thick as thieves!  
(5:51 PM) Remus: kidding, i haven’t spoken to either of them since pops moved away with me.  
(5:51 PM) Remus: i saw it on the news and noticed denny’s car, so i figured that it involved him, and anything that involves denny also involves virgil.  
(5:51 PM) Remus: pops says hi  
(5:51 PM) Remus: he can’t wait for this weekend!!

(5:52 PM) Roman: look re i need to go  
(5:52 PM) Roman: take care of yourself, ok?  
(5:52 PM) Roman: ill see you next weekend.

(5:52 PM) Remus: bye, roman!!!  
(5:53 PM) Remus: i LOVE YOU@!!!!

(5:53 PM) Roman: love you too re

Private Chat: Patton and Thomas -

(5:54 PM) Patton: Thomas, I need your help.

(5:54 PM) Thomas: Of course, Pat, what’s bothering you?

(5:54 PM) Patton: Logan’s in the hospital and I don’t know what to do.  
(5:55 PM) Patton: Virgil’s friend - Denny Scelez - is taking me there, and we’re all nearly in hysterics.  
(5:55 PM) Patton: Virgil’s in the room with Logan, and he’s alone. He seems really distant. We think he might be suffering from a panic attack, but we don’t know how to help him.  
(5:56 PM) Patton: Didn’t you say you had a therapist friend? Could you send me his phone number?

(5:56 PM) Thomas: Emile’s number is 801-440-3020. They’re very experienced and can help Virgil out.  
(5:56 PM) Thomas: Call me if you need anything else.

(5:57 PM) Patton: Will do.

Group Chat: exotic rattlesnake dealer, Logan, Patton, Roman -

(exotic rattlesnake dealer has added Denny to the chat)

(10:01 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: thank you all for coming to help us today  
(10:01 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: logan’s up and coming around, though it took a bit for the meds to wear off and he still doesn’t quite understand what’s happening, but the doctors say we can head home tomorrow

(10:01 PM) Patton: YES!!

(10:02 PM) Denny: that’s awesome, v!  
(10:02 PM) Denny: by the way i’m at your house with your mom and fred and they’re asking lots of questions  
(10:02 PM) Denny: i’m answering as best i can and i’ve managed to keep them from going into logan’s room

(10:03 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: what  
(10:03 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: why  
(10:03 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: just tell them to get out, idk  
(10:03 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i’ll call mom in five minutes and talk to her  
(10:03 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: maybe i can lie about stuff

(10:04 PM) Denny: aight i can keep fred busy  
(10:04 PM) Denny: he just wants to know how you’re doing

(10:04 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: tell him i’m all good  
(10:04 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: calling right now

Call: Virgil and Birth Giver Lady -

Virgil: Hello?

Birth Giver Lady: Virgil! Darling, how  
are you? How is everything without us?

Good, I guess. I’m at a party with my  
friends, and I won’t be able to make it  
home in time to see you. Sorry.  
That’s alright, dear! Your old friend  
Denny is talking to your father. Do  
you and Denny still talk, much? He  
seems to really miss you.

Oh, yeah. He’s visiting for a while.  
He and I talk a lot, actually. He  
helped me get together with my…  
S/O.

Oh my goodness, my baby’s gotten  
himself a girlfriend! That’s so exciting!  
What’s her name? What’s she like?  
How’d you get together? Do your friends  
like her? Is she nice? Are her parents nice?

Uh… yeah. They’re super cool and  
really kind and everyone likes ‘em.  
I’ve known them since I moved in,  
and, uh… nevermind. Um, I really  
need to go. Bye.

I love you, dear! Your father and  
I miss you lots!

He’s not my dad.

...what?

He’s not my dad, Mom. My dad is  
the man who actually cares about  
me. My dad is the one fighting for  
his life because you ruined it. My  
dad is the one that can’t see me  
because of you. So, yeah, he’s  
not my dad.

Your father could have ruined your  
life! I did you a favor, in the long run!  
Imagine, any more years with that  
awful man and you might be gay, too!  
My own son!

I’d love to stay and argue, but I  
really do need to go. My boyfriend  
needs me right now.

VIRGIL!

Bye.

Group Chat: exotic rattlesnake dealer, Logan, Patton, Roman, Denny -

(10:17 PM) Denny: hey, virgil  
(10:17 PM) Denny: i think you ought to know that fred just left  
(10:18 PM) Denny: your parents found your room with your flag and stuff  
(10:18 PM) Denny: and they found lo’s room  
(10:18 PM) Denny: your mom is livid and fred is very confused  
(10:18 PM) Denny: they’re trying to find you.

(10:18 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: let them  
(10:18 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: let them come find me  
(10:18 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i will fight tooth and nail to keep them away from logan

(10:19 PM) Roman: forgive me if this is offensive but why do your parents hate you virgil?

(10:20 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: nah, you’re good  
(10:20 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: my parents hate me ‘cause i’m not straight

(10:20 PM) Denny: virgil, honestly

(10:20 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: fine  
(10:20 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: my dad doesn’t hate me

(10:21 PM) Roman: but then why did denny say that stuff

(10:21 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: that’s ‘cause fred isn’t my dad  
(10:21 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: my dad is across the sea, trying to piece together a life my mom ruined for him  
(10:21 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: my dad told her he was gay when i was ten and she kicked him to the curb and stole his money.  
(10:21 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: he writes me and tries to visit but his life is so shattered that it doesn’t happen much  
(10:22 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i don’t think fred hates me, either  
(10:22 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: he’s just confused  
(10:22 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: he’ll follow whatever my mom says  
(10:22 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: and now that my mom knows, she hates me  
(10:22 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: so, yeah

(10:23 PM) Denny: v and i were friends when it happened

(10:23 PM) Roman: i’m so sorry

(10:23 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: it’s fine. y’all are the best family i could ask for, anyway.  
(10:23 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: you know, when i was eight, everything was perfect. my mom and dad loved each other, we were rich, and i had denny and remus -- my two best friends before mom threw dad away, got a straighter husband, and sent me out here.  
(10:23 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i don’t think you guys have ever met remus

(10:24 PM) Roman: that was slightly offensive but whatever  
(10:24 PM) Roman: remus is my twin brother  
(10:24 PM) Roman: my dad got a job far away and took remus with him while pops kept me here. we see each other every weekend and dad and pops are still happily married

(10:25 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: kljgkjfhadsjf  
(10:25 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: send me his number??  
(10:25 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: pleASE

(10:25 PM) Roman: 801-367-8913  
(10:25 PM) Romam: enjoy

(10:26 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: hECK YES

Private Chat: Virgil and Remus -

(10:28 PM) Virgil: yooooo  
(10:28 PM) Virgil: how you been, my man?

(10:29 PM) Remus: VIRGIL?!?!?!?!?!  
(10:29 PM) Remus: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH  
(10:29 PM) Remus: I MISSED YOU  
(10:30 PM) Remus: HOW ARE YOU  
(10:30 PM) Remus: HOW’S DENNY  
(10:30 PM) Remus: I LOVE YOU

(10:31 PM) Virgil: yes, it be me  
(10:31 PM) Virgil: aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh  
(10:31 PM) Virgil: i missed you tooooo  
(10:31 PM) Virgil: i’m fine  
(10:31 PM) Virgil: denny is good  
(10:31 PM) Virgil: i love you, too  
(10:31 PM) Virgil: yo i got a boyf riend

(10:32 PM) Remus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA you have a BOYF RIEND  
(10:32 PM) Remus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
(10:32 PM) Remus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAa aaaaaaaaaa aa aaA

(10:32 PM) Virgil: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA

(10:32 PM) Remus: and guess what

(10:32 PM) Virgil: what, my boyo

(10:32 PM) Remus: i have a boyf riend, too

(10:33 PM) Virgil: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

(10:33 PM) Remus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAA

(10:33 PM) Virgil: WHO IS IT  
(10:33 PM) Virgil: IS HE NICE  
(10:33 PM) Virgil: IS HE HOT

(10:34 PM) Remus: HE’S SO HOT  
(10:34 PM) Remus: HE AND I ARE WATCHING A MOVIE RIGHT NOW  
(10:34 PM) Remus: HE’S NICE AND HE LOVES MY DOG  
(10:34 PM) Remus: HIS NAME IS TRENTON AND HE’S THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

(10:34 PM) Virgil: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

(10:34 PM) Remus: okay i need to go but i love youuuuu

(10:34 PM) Virgil: i love you tooooo

Private Chat: Virgil and Logan -

(10:40 PM) Virgil: hey babe

(10:41 PM) Logan: what do you wanr  
(10:41 PM) Logan: want*  
(10:41 PM) Logan: just kidding you’re the best and i love you so much

(10:41 PM) Virgil: ...okay anyway  
(10:41 PM) Virgil: i was cleaning out my closet today

(10:41 PM) Logan: pretty legit, my man  
(10:41 PM) Logan: while you’re at it maybe clean mine ‘cause i’m still in this stupid hospital  
(10:41 PM) Logan: even though i’m fiNE

(10:42 PM) Virgill: yeah of course  
(10:42 PM) Virgil: but there’s still one bit of trash i need to throw out

(10:42 PM) Logan: oh?  
(10:43 PM) Logan: what’s that, then?

(10:43 PM) Virgil: me

(10:43 PM) Logan: no, wait  
(10:43 PM) Logan: i’m the trash

(10:44 PM) Virgil: that reminds me, patton punboy sent me the digits of a therapist  
(10:44 PM) Virgil: you wanna get mentally healthy again, love?

(10:44 PM) Logan: hoo boy i’m in

(10:45 PM) Virgil: okay lemme start a group chat with me, you, and mr. therapist man

Group Chat: Virgil, Logan, mr. therapist man -

(10:50 PM) Virgil: hello!  
(10:50 PM) Virgil: my name is virgil, and my friend sent me your contact.  
(10:50 PM) Virgil: i hope you don’t mind, but my boyfriend and i need some mental help.  
(10:50 PM) Virgil: i hope to hear from you soon!

Group Chat: exotic rattlesnake smuggler, Logan, Patton, Roman, Denny: -

(6:05 AM) Logan: i have officially decided to be punk  
(6:05 AM) Logan: my hair is still blue, anyway  
(6:05 AM) Logan: i need a leather jacket, some fingerless gloves, ripped jeans, a new haircut, makeup, y’know  
(6:05 AM) Logan: hello?  
(6:05 AM) Logan: v, you’re good with makeup, you wanna help a homeboi out?

(6:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: you can’t just decide to be punk  
(6:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: the punk decides to be you

(6:06 AM) Logan: boy if you don’t  
(6:06 AM) Logan: maybe the punk has decided to be me you don’t know  
(6:06 AM) Logan: did the emo decide to be you?

(6:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: of course not  
(6:06 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: but the gay did

(6:06 AM) Logan: virgil  
(6:06 AM) Logan: you’re bisexual

(6:06 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: yeah  
(6:07 PM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: but the bisexual chose me doesn’t roll off the tongue as well

(6:07 AM) Logan: you’re infuriating  
(6:07 AM) Logan: but so am i so it’s okay  
(6:07 AM) Logan: i love you lots

(6:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: lol  
(6:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: you’re good  
(6:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i love you, too  
(6:07 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i miss you  
(6:08 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: when are you coming home

(6:09 AM) Logan: i want to go home today i feel fiNE

(6:09 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: :(  
(6:09 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i can’t live without youuuu

(6:10 AM) Logan: you’ll live, i promise

(6:10 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i’ll come visit tomorrow

(6:10 AM) Roman: as adorable as this conversation is patton and i need sleep  
(6:10 AM) Roman: i mean probably denny too  
(6:10 AM) Roman: aren’t snakes nocturnal

(6:11 AM) Denny: yeah  
(6:11 AM) Denny: i’m not too tired

(6:22 AM) Logan: that’s good  
(6:22 AM) Logan: anyway  
(6:22 AM) Logan: y’all wanna meet up at the bleachers?

(6:22 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i’m down  
(6:22 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: als logan i need to tell/ask you something really crazy and i want to do it tonight and see what the others think about it  
(6:22 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: wow that was a long sentence  
(6:23 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: did it even make sense?  
(6:23 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: *also

(6:23 AM) Logan: nah but i got the general idea  
(6:23 AM) Logan: you’re not pregnant, are you?

(6:24 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: nah  
(6:24 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i mean  
(6:24 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i guess you never know

(6:24 AM) Roman: hey v cn i get a ride?

(6:25 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i can give you a ride, yes

(6:25 AM) Patton: If it’s not a problem, could I catch a ride as well?

(6:25 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: you can always catch a ride, pat  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: sometimes it’s hard to remember that patton’s only like ten  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: just kidding i know that you’re twelve  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: please don’t murder me  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i’m a good friend, i swear  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: I SWEAR  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: WAIT THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID  
(6:26 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: NO

(6:27 AM) Denny: ...what’s going on  
(6:27 AM) Denny: is virgil talking to himself

(6:27 AM) Roman: no he n pat r txtng

(6:27 AM) Denny: was i supposed to understand that

(6:27 AM) Logan: oh patton and virgil are texting one on one but v’s scared so he keeps trying to shift the conversation to the group chat  
(6:27 AM) Logan: ‘cause then we would all witness the murder  
(6:27 AM) Logan: :) be scared of patton (:

(6:28 AM) Denny: thank you, logan  
(6:28 AM) Denny: you are my favorite here

(Denny has changed Logan to logan (fav))

(6:28 AM) logan (fav): aww thanks

(Denny has changed Denny to the only one with brain cells)

(6:28 AM) the only one with brain cells: no  
(6:28 AM) the only one with brain cells: I MEANT NP LIKE NO PROBLEM I’M SORRY

(6:29 AM) logan (fav): lol you’re good

6:29 AM) Roman: guys u wnna meet up?

(6:29 AM) Patton: I'm in!

(6:29 AM) logan (fav): patton?  
(6:29 AM) logan (fav): where's my boyfriend?  
(6:29 AM) logan (fav): where's virgil?

(6:29 AM) Patton: I'll be there! :)

(6:29 AM) logan (fav): … i'll come if you bring my boyfriend

(6:29 AM) Patton: Depends. What’s in it for me?

(6:30 AM) logan (fav): uh  
(6:30 AM) logan (fav): i mean  
(6:30 AM) logan (fav): i don’t know  
(6:30 AM) logan (fav): my everlasting love and happiness?

(6:31 AM) Patton: Fine.  
(6:31 AM) Patton: He’ll be there.

(6:31 AM) Roman: wait lo arent you in the hospital still

(6:31 AM) logan (fav): eh they left the window open

(6:31 AM) Patton: You’re on the third floor!!!

(6:32 AM) logan (fav): so?

(6:32 AM) Patton: NO!  
(6:32 AM) Patton: Virgil is coming to check you out!

(Patton has added exotic rattlesnake dealer to the chat)

(6:32 AM) the only one with brain cells: wait when did you remove him  
(6:32 AM) the only one with brain cells: i didn’t get the notification  
(6:32 AM) the only one with brain cells: did y’all get the notification?

(6:32 AM) Roman: i ddnt

(6:32 AM) logan (fav): me neither

(6:32 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: oh my gosh finally patton let me go  
(6:32 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: LOGAN NO I WILL COME AND GET YOU

(6:32 AM) the only one with brain cells: yo anxiety you should stop by and give me a ride

(6:32 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: only if you make a blood oath that you owe me one, deceit

(6:33 AM) the only one with brain cells: sure  
(6:33 AM) the only one with brain cells: do you have a sharp rock in your car?  
(6:33 AM) the only one with brain cells: or some keys?

(6:33 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: of course i have keys, man  
(6:33 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: but i don’t think those would work too well, anyway  
(6:33 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: oh, but we could use the flipknife you always have in your pocket

(6:34 AM) logan (fav): y’all’re actually going through with this?

(6:34 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: y’all’re  
(6:34 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: heh  
(6:34 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: also yes

(6:34 AM) the only one with brain cells: i think you underestimate how many blood oaths v and i have made over the years  
(6:34 AM) the only one with brain cells: i probably should have died of blood loss seven years ago

(6:34 AM) Patton: Why seven?

(6:34 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: ah, the fateful blood oath that almost killed you  
(6:34 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i remember that fondly

(6:35 AM) the only one with brain cells: lol same  
(6:35 AM) the only one with brain cells: my nearest death experience.

(6:35 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: okay so who am i picking up

(6:35 AM) Patton: Me, please!

(6:35 AM) logan (fav): yo can i catch a ride

(6:35 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: you are iN MY CAR, LOGAN

(6:35 AM) logan (fav): ur point?

(6:36 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: dumb

(6:36 AM) logan (fav): rude  
(6:36 AM) logan (fav): you better apologize  
(6:36 AM) logan (fav): by hugging me

(6:36 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: and get us in an accident??

(6:36 AM) logan (fav): ur already texting while driving

(6:36 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: FALSE  
(6:36 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: I HAVE TALK TO TEXT  
(6:36 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: YOU ARE IN HERE, LOGAN

(6:36 AM) the only one with brain cells: i actually don’t need a ride  
(6:36 AM) the only one with brain cells: i drove myself

(6:36 AM) Patton: I am almost there! I decided to walk.

(6:37 AM) Roman: me 2  
(6:37 AM) Roman: no1 wnts 2 lstn 2 lo n v flrtng the whole drve

(6:37 AM) logan (fav): RUDE  
(6:37 AM) logan (fav): FOR THE SECOND TIME

(6:37 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i will make out with logan once we’re there just to spite you guys

(6:37 AM) the only one with brain cells: and suddenly i am considering turning around  
(6:37 AM) the only one with brain cells: but i’m already here so i might as well stay

(6:40 AM) Patton: I’m here!  
(6:40 AM) Patton: I see you, Denny!

(6:41 AM) the only one with brain cells: …  
(6:41 AM) the only one with brain cells: where are you

(6:41 AM) Patton: I’m in a blue shirt!

(6:41 AM) the only one with brain cells: i see you!!!!!  
(6:41 AM) the only one with brain cells: kjhfk you are so young  
(6:41 AM) the only one with brain cells: i am your father now

(6:41 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: we are here

(6:41 AM) Roman: i’m here

* * * * * *

(8:01 AM) the only one with brain cells: video.jhg.v’sproposal.logancrying

(8:02 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: that was fun  
(8:02 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: and i’m super glad that we went and all  
(8:02 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: but did any of y’all like actually catch logan’s answer  
(8:02 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: bc i was crying too hard to like  
(8:02 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: actually listen to his answer

(8:03 AM) logan (fav): soiduhfgiauosjdfhgujasdhfiuoawnf  
(8:03 AM) logan (fav): I SAID YES

(8:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: THANK GOODNESS

(8:03 AM) the only one with brain cells: okay but your proposal was THE SWEETEST THING  
(8:03 AM) the only one with brain cells: and i think that if someone doesn’t cry when they watch the video  
(8:03 AM) the only one with brain cells: then they are heartless

(8:03 AM) Patton: How is it being a married man?

(8:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i wouldn’t know  
(8:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: lo and i haven’t planned our wedding yet  
(8:03 AM) exotic rattlesnake dealer: i am but an engaged man

(Patton has changed exotic rattlesnake dealer to but an engaged man)

(8:04 AM) but an engaged man: except i miss being the exotic rattlesnake dealer  
(8:04 AM) but an engaged man: my nipple scars  
(8:04 AM) but an engaged man: and i love logan more than anything in my life  
(8:04 AM) but an engaged man: oh no i’m crying again

(8:04 AM) logan (fav): oh no me too


End file.
